Sometimes D’s are the best thing to get
I was at my wit’s end. My 13-year-old son, Brendan, was suspended from school (again), failing all of his classes. I knew he was on a bad path and didn’t know how to get him off it.
Brendan had seen his share of therapists. In fact, he’d been in therapy for more than six years, and nothing worked. Brendan didn’t like to talk, he didn’t open up, and his behavior never changed. If anything, as he got older, it had gotten worse. Now in middle school, he was facing expulsion after the most recent suspension.
His therapist mentioned a program that is targeted at juvenile offenders. I figured if it could work for them, it might work for Brendan. I didn’t want him taken away and placed out of our home. He was definitely headed that way.
When I first met with Sharon, the MST therapist, frankly, I was taken aback. Instead of focusing on Brendan, she focused on me. At first, I was a bit offended. I read child-rearing books. I tried to do the right thing. But all of a sudden, I was feeling I was the problem.
It didn’t take long for me to understand what she was saying. I needed to help change the dynamic between Brendan and me. For instance, he always wanted to get the last word, and I couldn’t let that be. I figured if I had the last word, I won. How wrong I was. Arguing with Brendan only made the situation escalate. No one won, least of all me.
Sharon taught me the 4 D’s
Directive, duration, discipline and disengage. For example, now when I ask Brendan to clean his room, I say, “Brendan, you have till noon to clean your room. If you don’t, you’ll lose your phone for an hour.” And I walk away. I can get my point across without a big blowup. Strategies like that made all the difference.
We have a schedule now for everything—weekdays, weekends and homework. And we have rewards and consequences. These are listed on the wall so neither one of us forgets. Our home is more structured, and that benefits the whole family.
Rewards are everyday things like Coke with dinner or more screen time. Nothing fancy or expensive, just things that Brendan likes.
So how are we doing? Well, Brendan finished seventh grade, A’s and B’s in most classes. He failed science and took it over in summer school.
It looks like he is on track for an end-of-summer reward: an expensive pair of sneakers he wants very much.
I’m still nervous about the future but think I have the tools to keep our family going in the right direction. As far as Brendan’s impression of MST and Sharon? Well, he told his former school therapist he hated Sharon. Why? she asked. “Well, my mom listens to her. There are rules. It’s awful.”
This is evidence that MST IS working. Honestly, even Brendan says things are better, way easier not fighting all the time at home and at school.
Sharon King is an MST therapist in Greenville, SC.
Read about the success MST has had with siblings.
