Accepting help is its own kind of strength--a success story as told by an MST therapist
When I initially contacted Arturo’s mother by phone, she was very reluctant about receiving Multisystemic Therapy (MST). She felt it was Arturo, on probation at the time, who needed therapy, not her. As soon as I sensed her pushback, I eased her apprehension by suggesting we meet in person, promising her that once I explained the services in detail, it would all make sense to her. During the first session, mother was engaged and very intrigued on how MST would work. Once she opened up to the possibility that I could help her help Arturo change his behaviors, she began to slowly buy in.
Their home was small, but warm and welcoming. Our sessions were always held at the dining table with their two friendly and adorable cats, Babe and Buddha, pleading for attention. Luckily for me, I’m a cat lover, so it was a wonderful way to engage with the family. In addition to Babe and Buddha, there was sometimes a rambunctious, but cute 2–year-old named Mario running around and crawling in and out from under the table.
MST therapy helped mother and Arturo improve the communication that would often lead to conflict and aggression in the past. Through role-play and other strategies to mitigate feelings of attack or ambush, they learned how to talk to each other effectively, as well as how to lovingly disengage. Mother grasped that being able to disengage did not mean shutting down, closing your heart, punishing or blaming Arturo. Instead, it was a way of taking care of herself so she did not get angry and emotional. It was an approach that she had never tried before—removing herself from the line of fire until things calmed down. In doing so, she was keeping her heart open to herself and Arturo so that when they were both ready to open up, they were not angry or shut down.
New approach brings better results
Mother realized over time that Arturo was receptive when she was soft and warm as opposed to harsh and punitive. By providing her son warmth, mother was able to make significant strides. She and Arturo shared stories during sessions and played games that provided them with opportunities to practice communication skills and allowed them to listen without defending and speak without offending.
In the beginning, mother was uncomfortable applying rules, rewards and consequences with Arturo. She had the rules and consequences down, but never understood how applying rewards would benefit him. She felt her son did not deserve to be rewarded for his unwanted behaviors and expressed that she was brought up “old school.” I, too, was brought up old school and was able to relate and connect with that style. However, once I delicately explained to her that her old approach was not working, I asked her to be open to trying this new approach. I hoped she’d recognize that what she'd been doing wasn't working.
Arturo’s academic progress was a primary concern for his mother. So we decided to target that first. However, she still had apprehensions about the reward. Specifically, she was concerned that it had to be expensive and didn’t have the money to buy Arturo much. I explained that consistently praising and acknowledging him for his good behaviors was called positive reinforcement, and best of all, cost nothing. She agreed to try, and we worked together on applying a reasonable reward for Arturo’s improved grades. Mother would increase her urgency in monitoring Arturo’s nightly homework assignments to help him achieve success and ultimately his big reward—Los Angeles Clippers basketball tickets.
Mother makes progress along with son
We experienced a few bumps along the way, but ultimately, as we approached the end of treatment, Arturo made the honor roll two times in a row. As soon as mother realized that adding incentives (rewards) actually worked, she became hooked on the idea. I no longer needed to coach her through the process. In addition, she became so efficient and proactive that she suggested using a dry erase board to remind Arturo of his chores, homework and curfew. Mother not only wanted to use this board as a reminder of what Arturo had to do, but also as a way to express herself to him. For example, she said, “I want to remind him that I love him every day by writing it down.” You see, she wasn’t always the best at verbalizing her feelings. She thought that by paying the bills and providing food and shelter for her son was enough to show him that she loved him. However, in the end, she recognized that saying positive things to Arturo made him feel good and in turn, made him receptive. For example, she learned to say “You make me proud,” “I believe in you,” “I understand you,” “Thank you for being honest,” and “I love you.” She also came to find that writing it on the board made her feel special, too.
Our last session fell on the week of Christmas, so mother asked me to stay for dinner to taste her famous tamales that she had been preparing all week. During our dinner, she told me how grateful she was for the services, and how much she appreciated the time and effort that I placed on her and Arturo’s progress. As we said our goodbyes, she forced me to take home a couple of her famous tamales, and I accepted with pleasure. On my way out, even Arturo thanked me.
Marie Chacon is an MST therapist from Los Angeles County San Fernando Valley Community Mental Health Center.
